I Wrestle

So, it's happened (so sovereignly sweet, I know). I have realized yet more of my own depravity in light of the cross. I see my foolish feet being dragged to Christ (thanks, Dad, for showing this illustrated clearly through the words of Christ in John 6:44). I've spent the last two years behaving in a manner that should be likened to that of a two-year old in the heat of a temper tantrum. It began with my depravity and, at this moment, the story still stands at the scene of that same wretchedness. The worst of it all is that I know better. I really do. I have been raised by two people who have sincerely been chosen of God for His glory and who have been faithful to take up their crosses daily and follow after Christ, even when it did not promise good PR or financial success. What I have witnessed from the lives of my Dad and Mom has been nothing short of the manifestation of the glorious grace of our King Jesus. Why then this trouble within my own soul? I know that the promises of God are faithful. I know the Word (or do I?). I admire and affirm theologically sound doctrine. I explore the thoughts of great theologians and their predecessors. Why have I become so calloused to showing grace to people? Hasn't an abundant measure of grace been shown to me? I neglect to dwell on that thought. That is a root in my sinful flesh. I thought that I was quite a catch for my husband, who has a different upbringing than that of my own. A few days after we were married, I realized that this relationship that I had just committed my entire life to was going to rip the roof off of my sinful soul and everything that was completely bent about me was going to be revealed. Why him? I mean, I want God to deal with my junk, but why did it have to be in front of him? I want to impress him and be this gracious, strong, secure, lovely, submissive, compassionate woman. I want to be a tool for the Lord to smooth away the rough edges in others. I didn't realize that I had so many sharp daggers myself! I am stumbling towards a mirror of the image of what I have become over the past couple of years. I hate what I see. Oh! This waging war of sin...it haunts me and rips at my heart and soul, causing me to be weary of this life. I desire to be completely single-minded and to really see the graciousness of Christ that exists in my life so that I may be an aroma of the sweetness of Jesus.

Chhhhhh changes

Change. Oh, how I know the word as of late. For those who do not yet know, Brian & I are moving on Saturday. We will be building a house using mainly alternative building methods for my father-in-law in Alabama. We, on what seems like now as somewhat of a whim, decided to move this Saturday, the 12th. I am a control freak. There. I said it. If I ever author a book, the title will most certainly be Conforming of My Will: Confessions of a Control Freak. Before I married Brian, I was OCD about being on time, having things completely spotless, planning and organizing things to the max, among other things. Over this last year and a half, I have come to understand that not everyone is pleased by my practices of stringent organization, to say the least; in fact, it drives Brian crazy and he constantly uses phrases like "tone it down" and "loosen up a bit, Jess." I tell you this to say that in these past few weeks of coming to understand that we are moving and having to pack up my home and feeling as though my life and home are both in complete disarray, I have really begun to get over my idea that one must plan everything out and have everything in its proper place in order for happiness to exist. I have learned that my heart had latched onto ideas that may have been good, but are not allowing me to be God's. It's been a ride, that is for sure. I am certain it will remain that way... Meanwhile, today was the first day of my last semester of college. I only have two courses: Spanish II and Oral Interpretation. Both will be bright spots in the days ahead, I hope. More to come later...