In & Through

There is so much going on over here...it's hard to know exactly where to begin! Being out here in the middle of nowhere is really neat, at times. Each time I walk outside (or take a stroll o'er the 66 or so acres, complete with two ponds and plenty of hills and trees), I am reminded of God's ultimate workmanship in the splendor of His creation. Specifically, Psalm 19 :1 comes to mind when David says, "The Heavens are telling the glory of God; and their expanse is declaring the work of His hands." How awesome is this God who has created all of these works and knows each branch and leaf and each of their intricacies. This same God knows me, too! He is really big! Beth Moore said once at a conference that I attended, "God is not a big us." I have been reminded of that several times while living out here. God is not like me... He doesn't view time the way that I do, He doesn't view hardship the way that I tend to, He doesn't love conditionally the way that I am prone to love. He is God. And I am not. I have been broken with the realization that I have been harboring unforgiveness towards others and my life has been pretty rough because of it. I have never really gotten to talk with you about mine and Brian's story, but we have a pretty neat one. I guess it doesn't really matter (the story)... But I will give you a brief glimpse: I grew up in a family where Christ was the absolute center. My parents were devoted to Jesus, to one another, and to our family. We all have our own relationships with Christ that He brought us each to in different ways. But I grew up knowing that I wanted to marry someone who had a similar story to my own. I told myself (and others) that I would never marry someone who already had children and much less, someone who hadn't remained sexually pure. That's Christianity, right? Wrong. I had no room for the grace of God in my heart towards people who hadn't exactly lived the moral life. I was a bit legalistic in my thinking because I thought that in following rules, one is protected. And while that may be true, my ability to keep rules doesn't save me. Following rules doesn't keep me in chains to Christ, but rather creates bondage to the law, which I was never meant to be able to follow. Brian told me very early on (on our second date to be exact) that he had a daughter. Normally, that would have been it. I would have written him off and said, "Wow. You're really great and I like spending time with you, but I have these standards and you because you made some poor decisions 11 years ago, I can't get past that. Bye." God, in His sovereignty, poured out grace like a waterfall on my life and into my heart in that moment when Brian revealed some of his past. I was more than able to see past it. Immorality was not his present reality! He was a believer and he had been purchased by Christ and all of his debt had been paid. Who was I to hold that against him? I thought we would move way beyond that baggage. But, as God also knew, it would take more than just one conversation for me to really be gracious to this man who is now my husband. I have struggled with jealousy and anger towards him for having relationships with women that were completely immoral. I felt dishonored by him because I had strategically followed God's plan for sex because I knew that in His plan, things would function as He designed them. Because Brian didn't care about that, he chose to do his own thing and therefore he marred part of the intimacy that he would later share with me, his wife. And a lot of times, he doesn't understand the way that I feel about all of this. He feels like if he says that he is sorry, it is as though he is saying that he regrets Halie. I don't regret her being here at all. I rejoice that God has worked the situation out regardless of Brian's mistakes. But I just was waiting for Brian to say that he was sorry that he hurt me with those mistakes....and that isn't the road to forgiveness. Anyway, lots to say about all of this, but I won't bore you with the gory details. The point is that for a while, I have been holding things against him (and other people) that Christ demands that I let go. Afterall, haven't I been forgiven my greatest debt? What would ever give me the right or the unction to think that I could hold something against someone when ALL of my debt has been paid!? Being in a relationship with my Healer should prompt me into wanting to do nothing more than bless others, even when they hurt me. But, that hasn't been the case. I have relived past hurts to the point where bitterness and resentment were my closest friends. I have been hit with the truth in God's word that says that He "is at work in me, both to will and to work for His good pleasure" (Philippians 2:13). He is the only One that will enable me to forgive. I cannot follow enough formulas or rules to be on the path to forgive Brian (or anyone else). I have to rely on Christ in me to live that out, otherwise I am hopeless.