I Wrestle

So, it's happened (so sovereignly sweet, I know). I have realized yet more of my own depravity in light of the cross. I see my foolish feet being dragged to Christ (thanks, Dad, for showing this illustrated clearly through the words of Christ in John 6:44). I've spent the last two years behaving in a manner that should be likened to that of a two-year old in the heat of a temper tantrum. It began with my depravity and, at this moment, the story still stands at the scene of that same wretchedness. The worst of it all is that I know better. I really do. I have been raised by two people who have sincerely been chosen of God for His glory and who have been faithful to take up their crosses daily and follow after Christ, even when it did not promise good PR or financial success. What I have witnessed from the lives of my Dad and Mom has been nothing short of the manifestation of the glorious grace of our King Jesus. Why then this trouble within my own soul? I know that the promises of God are faithful. I know the Word (or do I?). I admire and affirm theologically sound doctrine. I explore the thoughts of great theologians and their predecessors. Why have I become so calloused to showing grace to people? Hasn't an abundant measure of grace been shown to me? I neglect to dwell on that thought. That is a root in my sinful flesh. I thought that I was quite a catch for my husband, who has a different upbringing than that of my own. A few days after we were married, I realized that this relationship that I had just committed my entire life to was going to rip the roof off of my sinful soul and everything that was completely bent about me was going to be revealed. Why him? I mean, I want God to deal with my junk, but why did it have to be in front of him? I want to impress him and be this gracious, strong, secure, lovely, submissive, compassionate woman. I want to be a tool for the Lord to smooth away the rough edges in others. I didn't realize that I had so many sharp daggers myself! I am stumbling towards a mirror of the image of what I have become over the past couple of years. I hate what I see. Oh! This waging war of sin...it haunts me and rips at my heart and soul, causing me to be weary of this life. I desire to be completely single-minded and to really see the graciousness of Christ that exists in my life so that I may be an aroma of the sweetness of Jesus.