Big "Meany"

I'm mean. There. I said it. I don't mean to be mean. It comes out. Theologically (or even from a communication standpoint), I suppose in many ways that statement isn't true. I am making a choice to be mean. I could choose to be kind...but I cannot pool from my own "kind" pool because, let's face it: it doesn't exist. I honestly believe that kindness doesn't ooze from me naturally. Quite the contrary! There is quite a war within my soul to force the flesh to be obedient to Christ in loving my brother (and no, not just Mark--) or my neighbor. And sometimes, let's face it: it's clear that the flesh has won again. So what's the deal? Why can't I just do better? Be better? Do I really believe that it has to be Christ in me working out that love or is that just something that I know with my head is true, but something that my heart hasn't latched onto? Several weeks ago, I was struck with the words, "Trust Christ." Rob Hadding, the pastor of Harmony Ridge in Pace, said them in response to a question posed by someone in the church concerning how to be sure that you are Christ's and how to wage war against sin in the flesh. [The discussion that was had was one that I hold tenderly in my heart, however, I am not drawing from it's complete context for this particular post. I am merely making reference to once specific statement. However, you should all visit the Harmony Ridge website link and listen to the Doctrines of Grace sermons, if they are available.] Rob asked (to us all), " Do you trust Him?" The thing is, one cannot always rightly answer that question with his lips, but rather his behavior and posture in reference to God and to the cross. Here's what I mean: I could say with my lips that I do trust Him and I could point to all the circumstances where I feel that I am trusting Him. But in reality, with my life, is that trust evident? God doesn't need evidence...He already knows without "exhibits A, B, C...Z." Do I know, though? Am I ever before Him asking Him to ignite within me a vision of Himself (through Scripture and the Holy Spirit...or if He just wanted to actually SHOW me Himself) that would prompt a right response of trust in Him? Would it help (seeing Him)? I reflect on the disciples and other followers of Christ who walked with Him, saw Him crucified, and saw Him raised from the dead and still they doubted (Matthew 28: 17b). I think, for me, it isn't so much about seeing Him as it is about really looking into the Word and applying it as a salve to my heart and a decree in my mind, so that before I am faced with a situation where I will be faced with the decision to be mean or not, I will have already had the words of Christ applied to my heart and mind and I will respond with resounding kindness. Now, this kindness will not be something that is mustered up from the marrow of my bones; however, it will be the manifestation of Christ IN me, who is my only hope (see Colossians 1:25-29).