I am not very good at keeping you up to date, dear reader. My apologies.
I am experiencing a great war within my soul... one that I regretfully seek to tell you about. Why the regret? Because I just *so* wish for this waging war with sin to be over and to be free (really free!) from specific battles (okay, ALL battles). I've been a believer for a while. Why hasn't the truth of the Gospel penetrated every nook and cranny yet?
I sometimes feel this sense of hopelessness... to the point of despair. I see a picture of my soul and my body as a flower of some sort (just go with me)... and in this seemingly never-ending season, this 'ole flower is withering away.
I have so many questions and longings. I know that God knows them all...but sometimes, I wish He would just whisper in my ear that He STILL knows and that He cares. And then I wish that He would supernaturally impart to me "the plan." I know He's given us everything we need pertaining to life and Godliness (that about covers it, I know); yet, sometimes I feel like there is so much that I lack and don't yet know...and I feel like I so desperately need to know some things (that I don't know) in order to continue in this life.
Does any of this even make sense?
Last night, I could not even sleep. And that's saying something because I have two small children and am pregnant with a third. I am one tired chica. But last night, I was sleepless. The thought of this war kept me awake.
I realize that I am a sinner. Though I have been redeemed by Christ, I still sometimes just feel so lost. I am not trying to bash doctrines that are beautiful...but dang, sometimes I just wish that sanctification was instantaneous like that of justification. Ya know? I mean, our debt was satisfied in an instant on the cross. Why can't that transforming power be imparted in an instant? I am sure that it has *something* to do with the fact that the struggles (the thorns) make us aware of our need for Christ. Maybe if we were instantly sanctified, we'd be prideful? Ugh! Pride. Loathe it.
Anyway, I am quite sorry for the rant, friends.
Thought you should know where I am...
Fighting a war with sin.
4 comments:
Jessica,
Thanks for your honesty. I think that seasons like this is something that all Christians go through. My advise: remember the times in your life that God has made everything beautiful when it seemed like it never could be. He was there for you then, and He is there for you now. He HAS defeated sin and it has no power of you! Claim it over your life every day, every hour, every minute if you have to. While I do think that there is a time to mourn about our sin, and be broken about it, we should rejoice much more about the freedom we live in. He has overcome death and the grave and He is alive in us! I love you and hope that joy is restored in your heart very soon. :) -Ashley Hall
When I was reading your post it felt like I was reading my own thoughts. Especially, "I've been a believer for a while. Why hasn't the truth of the Gospel penetrated every nook and cranny yet?" But Jerry Bridges in his book The Pursuit of Holiness says that apart of maturing as a Christian is realizing that we'll never be perfect. But I was encouraged by your post... it reveals so much of the grace of God in your life. Besides, the closer we find ourselves to our holy God, the more we will see our sin.
I like you sister Jessica. Have a great weekend!
Jess, i never thought i'd be giving you advice, since it was always the other way around. But the Lord has been so gracious lately to me, i must share His work (Psalm 9:1,2)!
i too have had those sleepless nights, torn between my sin and the holiness i'm to strive after. i would think, how is it possible to "be holy as I AM holy"? that just seems impossible. but then, i'm directed to look to eternity, where evil CANNOT dwell in the same place as God (Psalm 5:4). Paul says that it was "in this hope we were saved" (Romans 8:24,25). One day (and probably not as soon as we'd like) we will be made perfect. Do we deserve that? No. We deserve to be left rotting away into nothingness apart from God. But, we're not, are we? We have the promise of eternal life, which is knowing God (John 17:3).
Do not shift from the hope of the Gospel, my dear sister. You are in my prayers!
He who began a good work in You will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ! Philippians 1:6
This one brings me comfort. Love you, Jess!
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