I've never thought of myself as an angry person, but when it comes to the discipline and training of my children, an angry person emerges with such frequency that I may need to seek out some major counseling. I wish it were as simple as just putting new information in between my ears, but alas, I am afraid it is not quite that simple. See, I know that what I should be doing is pointing out their respective need for the Savior. I know that I should not be taking their offenses personally. They are afterall, only three, two, and 9 months old. What sort of ridiculous person expects such lofty things for such small and precious people? This idiot.
I know that there is a balance between lovingly holding them to a standard and being gracious. I want to do both. But for the life of me, I cannot figure out how to make it stick.
Prayer? Yes. I am daily reminded of my complete inability to do this thing called "parenting." And really "existing" is complicated for me these days. I feel like I am in between two worlds. I want to embrace this time of my children being young, because I do know ( and hear often) that it passes by ever so quickly. I want to savor it, but then again, I sometimes find myself just wanting to gulp it down and move on to the next course. It doesn't work like that. I think that I am supposed to learn to savor this season. Maybe in the next season, I will long for this season? That's terrifying to me, actually. At this moment, I cannot continue with that thought process.
The point is: I see who I am becoming and what I've done and I don't like it. And I know that you may think that I simply need to make the choice to change and be done with what i don't desire. But, dang it, I cannot. I've tried. I am desirous of the Gospel to move in and rearrange or reupholster or remodel completely. I don't like this "me." I need the help of the Savior just like my kids do. Desperately. More desperately, even.
2 comments:
Thankfully we have one! And He is right here with us even in our worst parenting moments teaching and molding us.
I hear ya..... Anger is truly a condition where the tongue works faster than the mind, it can be crippling, stifling, and devastating. I am continually humbled with those who have such remarkable control and patience in situations that allow for neither. I can only come back to "Rights" and "Privileges"....in the moment of greatest frustration and irritation...I stop and tell my self that whatever I want or expect would be a privilege...but it's not my right. It's not easy, but it can be a powerful reminder that "you were bought with a price" don't be a slave to your anger (ambition, expectations, job etc). So thankful for God's grace!!
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