Forgiveness and Some Change

A lot going on in my mind and heart, but I don't even know how to articulate *most* of those things right now. I think that is probably the Lord...setting a guard over my mouth. Anyone? Sometimes, the things that I am thinking don't need to be said, for whatever reason. It isn't profitable. It isn't true. Or some other reason. Francis Chan's wife said something recently, encouraging women to not believe everything that they think. Anyway, sometimes things that I am thinking about *are* able to be articulated in a way that may be profitable (either for myself or for someone else) and the Lord allows me grace to be able to put words to thoughts and articulate. We'll just have to wait and see if this is one of those times...

I've been thinking about forgiveness. Mainly, how I suck at extending it. I would have never known of my extreme "suckage" in this area were it not for July 1, 2006 when God allowed me to marry a really handsome + Godly man and therein begin the process of my soul having it's roof ripped off. That's right folks; real love. =) Anyway, we were married for less than a month when I realized (read: was told my by man) that I needed help in this area. "Moi?" I thought to myself. I was clueless (read: self-righteous). I just listened to a sermon by Dave Harvey on this forgiveness matter and it was so encouraging. I wish that I could travel back six years ago and tell myself what I know now. But, God in His timing doesn't allow for that. In fact, I need to retract that statement about wanting to travel back because I think that it has been in these six years of being married and struggling to extend forgiveness that I have realized MY OWN NEED FOR FORGIVENESS. Duh! Someone needed to knock that 20-year-old Jessica off of her high horse...and she was knocked off it, alright! Anyway, one small thing that Dave Harvey mentioned was this: forgiven sinners forgive sins.(Point of information:  I know, without listening to the sermon you might think that *we* are able to forgive on our own. Lest you be misled, Harvey was of course saying that we rely on God's work in us to be able to extend forgiveness. So, we rely on the fact that He already paid for the sin and thus forgave its penalty; we just extend that good message.) I needed that reminder. That ability to forgive is fruit of a heart that has been forgiven. And boy, have I been forgiven!

The second thing that I have been melding on is this truth that God loves me. Like, me. Jessica. There is a place for God loving the church as a whole. I am not making a case for "just me and Jesus" kind of talk. But I am saying that the fact that Jesus died for me and my sin (and the sins of those He came to save) affects me. Or it should. I should take it personally as well as corporately. Anyway, I've had this awakening to the fact that God actually wants me to take my thoughts, fears, wants, needs, etc. before Him and talk to Him. Not because He is a giant vending machine (though He is in charge of everything), but because He wants to engage me... to change me. To refine me. To conform me to His image. I feel like I've know this for a while, but I haven't really KNOWN it, ya know? Mind-blowing. It's changed the way that I talk with Him.